New Xbox Game Pass addition is so moreish I burnt my lunch

“The game is so good I lost track of time,” said the random internet person who immediately felt like he was stretching the truth for effect. We all know how time works, so just say it’s a good game and leave it at that. There’s no need for this level of hyperbole, where mere liking for something is so exaggerated that you go from “This game is great” to “This game is so good it makes all other games obsolete.” There were 10 billion wasps around the container! No, there wasn’t, Timmy. I saw like three.

So, you can imagine my total shock, mouth open, dribble dripping down the side of my face and digging into my beard, eyes wide as if I was about to have corrective laser surgery, when I played Vampire Survivors, one of the latest games to come to Xbox Game Pass on consoles and PC. This game is so good that it almost ruined my lunch.

Let me set the scene for you with this little story of discovery and pain. Last night I made vegetable curry for the family, knowing I would have some left over for lunch today. Excellent planning on my part. I’d just need to go to Lidl on my way home from the morning run for a naan, and I’d have a pretty lovely and easy lunch.

The first part of the plan was simple and executed as Agent 47. I was in and out of Lidl in about 60 seconds, got home by 8:45, with time to make three cups of coffee before work at 9. Excellent. material.

A few hours of solid work later and lunch crept up on me. Eager for some game time, I jumped on the Xbox and downloaded Vampire Survivors. I had seen people making it bigger and it was a quick game to start as it looks like it would work on an Amiga. While it was unloading I put the curry in the microwave and a naan (no, two, Jeremy) in the oven. No need for a timer, I thought, as the microwave will beep and the naan will be ready by then.

I walked into the living room, the smell of some ground garam masala hitting my nose. I started Vampire Survivors and was cutting into the old school vibe with all the glee of a real vampire in a nursing home. I gorged myself too much on the incredibly fun and simple gameplay (move around and let the guns shoot around you), and somehow I didn’t hear the microwave beeping. The naan, I’m sorry to say, was not going to join her friends at Lavender Lodge. Burnt to crisp.

It’s a sad story, I’m sure you’ll agree. But one that ended with having a new game to launch into when I have a few free moments, or hours. I’ve played it on Xbox, but I can see it working brilliantly on the Steam Deck, which is where I’ll be playing it next. I haven’t read much about Vampire Survivors, but it has a touch of the Pacifism mode from Geometry Wars about it, something I really liked back in the day. You have to avoid the enemies at the points, but the attack is essential to level up and get new equipment and money. It is perfectly balanced.

If, like me, you’ve seen a few screenshots of Vampire Survivors and turned up your nose at its appearance, I’m here to ask you to give it a try. Hopefully, when you do, it won’t result in a burnt naan.

Big twist: I had bought a two pack and didn’t make the same mistake twice.